Show me this life
by Goldnir
Summary: " You will live here as long as you're healed. You let me do the spells on you and drink the potions I give you. I will not try to hurt you intentionally. I'm not asking you to redeem yourself, nor will i feed you any propaganda. But I'm demanding you to treat me with some respect while i save your life! You call me mudblood one time and I will kick you out immediately."
1. Chapter 1

**Disclaimer: I do not own anything but the plot. Everything else is from J.K Rowling. I just play with her creations.**

**Authors note: This is my first fan fiction. English isn't my native language, but i try to double check my spelling. **

**This fic is rated T, but I may change the rating on later chapters. We'll see. **

**The story is named after a song by Poets of the Fall. **

**So here we go!**

He was dying.

But why did it had to hurt so much?

Wouldn't a clear Avada have done it just as well?

What kind of a man made people lie dying hours and hours, when they could have just killed them right away?

oh yeah, that was a stupid question…

Funny thing… dying… well, not really, but somehow…

It was like the overload of senses.

Never before had he been this aware of his beating heart, pumping his warm blood out of his system.

He could feel every stone and knot on the ground he was lying. And the pain was everywhere.

Dying was also making him emotional. He felt like screaming and even crying at the same time. It made him think of his life. Most of it was pathetic and miserable, but the aspect of dying made him also think of the times (long ago) when he had been happy.

Like flying for the first time… His mother laughing and hugging him on the garden… His mother's beautiful blooming garden… The smell of flowers in Amortentia potion… First ride on the train to Hogwarts… Chocolate frogs and Berttie Bott's…Befriending Theo Nott and Blaise Zabini on their third year…the yule ball… Pansy Parkinson on her underwear… last drunken summer holiday between fifth and sixth year… Yeah that must have been the last time he had been even remotely happy.

After that it had all been just the prelude to this… him lying dying on the cold hard ground.

He closed his eyes and waited.

The pain slowly faded to the back of his mind and he became more and more numb.

"Malfoy"

Well that was weird. Why were the voices of death calling him Malfoy!? He had at least expected "Draco"!

A soft hand landed on his shoulder.

Yes, he was more than ready to leave this aching body behind. So he opened his eyes…

nononono… this couldn't be happening.

He had expected to see someone like Pansy, or his mother or at least Snape. Someone familiar and comforting.

But he was seeing Granger! Gryffindor princess, Potter's best friend, know-it-all, bookworm Granger!

Was he going to hell?

Someone had to stop this!

He was opening his mouth to complain, but before the words came out, everything went black.


	2. Chapter 2

Sunlight

That was the first thought he had when he woke up. Sunlight and then pain.

That damn pain again! Why couldn't death come painless!

He opened his eyes but instead of the forest he saw books.

Piles of books on the table in front of his eyes. And more books on the selves, on the floor, everywhere he could see.

Where was he? And why was he still in pain?

"Don't move, it'll hurt more." Said a soft voice and she walked to his view.

She was nearly exactly how he remembered her from the Manor. her figure was still petite, her hair still unruly, her eyes still chocolate brown. But immediately he noticed how tired she looked.

This was Hermione Granger five years into the war.

"I think I've gotten the most lethal wounds stop bleeding. Your damages are quite severe. I was not sure if you were conscious enough to swallow so I was waiting for you to wake up before I could give you potions for pain. "

It took him a moment to understand what she was saying.

"The books say that when the bleeding is stopped you can be lifted in the seating position. But I was afraid to do that either as long as you were out." She flicked her wand, "stay still"

He felt being lifted from where he was laying, which he had figured must be a sofa.

When he was in a half sitting position, which hurt even more than lying down, she handed him a cup.

"It's an anti pain potion." she said.

He glanced her suspiciously but drank the potion anyway. It was better to drink poison than to stand the pain.

But it wasn't poison. The pain was already fading.

She was studying him with curious eyes. And now that he could think more clearly he began to see how twisted the situation was.

" Why am i here?"

"Would you rather be dead in the forest?" she was defensive already.

"Maybe. Depends on the reasons you brought me here."

She was quiet for a moment. "It was the only way I could think of. You wouldn't have made it your own."

"So you took me as your prisoner rather than let me die?"

The little he had known her at school, he doubted that option. Though she and her two boy-toys had always been too noble for their own good. Maybe she had saved him to feel better about herself.

"I wouldn't say prisoner, rather a patient."

Right, like that was the only reason. He waited for her to continue. But she didn't.

" You can't be a healer. It takes at least six years studying and three of practice." He stated.

"No I'm not. But I'm learning"

Ahaa, now he got it.

" So I'm a test subject? That is just great Granger! Lucky me you didn't leave me to die in that forest."

Of course he should have seen that. She wanted to learn, but she didn't want to practice on her precious friends. Who would be a better test dummy than a pathetic nearly dead Death Eater!

" Well, if you want to see yourself as such, then fine. You can also leave! I won't make you stay. I won't keep you here against your will. But your damages will kill you, if not straight away, then maybe in a day or two. And it will not be painful and easy death."

She was giving her two brilliant options: to say to be healed by his old enemy, stand her company and owe her his life. Or to go and die. Great options, he had to admit.

"And if i choose not to leave?" He asked, sure that there was some deal into this.

" You will live here as long as you're healed. You let me do the spells on you and drink the potions I give you. I will not try to hurt you intentionally. I'm not asking you to redeem yourself nor will i feed you any propaganda. But I'm demanding you to treat me with some respect while I save your life! You call me mudblood one time and I will kick you out immediately. You won't search my house while I'm gone and you won't try to harm me in anyway. When you're healed I will let you go, no questions asked and you'll be free to do what you want. You will not owe me anything after that."

He stared at her. He understood some of her reasons, but he was a Death Eater, why was he the one she wanted to test her healing spells? Wouldn't she find someone little more innocent to save. But maybe that was exactly the point, if he'd be killed in the process she wouldn't feel so guilty.

"It's not that I could walk out with my own feet." He finally said.

"so we have an agreement?" She asked.

" Yes."


	3. Chapter 3

**disclaimer: I do not own Harry Potter **

**Chapter 3 **

He woke up in a desperate need to pee.

It was dark and silent. He needed a moment to remember where he was.

Oh yes, Grangers house. He had agreed to stay here, as her test subject, to keep himself alive a little longer.

It was funny how much he wanted to live. After all he had been ready to die for a moment in the forest. But now, given the opportunity, he was ready to make sacrifices to keep his life.

Sacrifices like agreeing to Grangers terms.

Trusting Granger. Not totally, but in some level at least.

She had left him some potion for pain on the table next to him. She had also charmed a chair to float him to the toilet and back when he needed to go. Then she had told him that she was going to lock her bedroom door just in case, warned him not to move much and went to her room.

He still didn't completely buy her reasons for holding him as a 'patient' but not trying to turn him to her side.

Although he wasn't so sure about his own side anymore. He was here because his own people had tried to kill him. Somehow he was positive that he wouldn't be too welcome back to that side.

But he felt claustrophobic here. Granger's apartment was small. Compared to the place he used to live in, this was a cupboard. The sofa he was lying on was in her living room. It was covered with books. The walls were full of shelves with books and the two small tables were covered with them also. The kitchen was an open one on the left. It had only one sink, a fridge and a stove.

She wasn't very tidy person. He reckoned. The kitchen benches too were full of pots, pans and dishes.

The apartment also had a small bathroom. He wondered how anyone could cope with a bathroom so small. It was about the size of his bed back at the manor.

And then there was her room, which he hadn't seen.

She could do magic. Why didn't she make this house a little more spacious? And it wouldn't have taken her too much to clean up a little.

Stupid muggle. He thought.

He had been here barely a day and he already felt the walls closing in on him.

He yanked himself to the charmed chair and grimaced. It hurt like hell to move. The potion she had given him only helped on some amount. Moving was still painful.

The chair floated him to her bathroom which smelled like flowers. He wrinkled his nose. How much perfume she used? She must have splashed it all around the room to get it smell like this. He didn't like strong smells. His home always smelled only tidy, thanks to his house elf.

No, he should stop thinking 'his house' or 'his house elf'. Those things must have been taken as soon as he was left in the forest. Of course they wouldn't find anything from there. He didn't keep his secrets at the house. On the dark side man could trust no one. Lucky he had known it before given the first hand experience.

Back on the sofa he drank the potion from the table and lay down. Closing his eyes he wished her potion had contained dreamless sleep potion. He really didn't want to wake up in the middle of the nightmares which had been bad even before this latest event.

DHDHDHDHDHDHDHDHDHDH

Someone was attacking him! He woke up and someone was attacking him!

"What the fuck!"

"Relax Malfoy, it's only me."

He opened his eyes and saw Granger hovering over him.

"You can't just do that when I'm sleeping!"

His heart was still hammering against his ribs. A moment ago he had been ready to reach for his wand and fight.

"Stop complaining! I'm in a hurry and didn't want to wake you." She sounded almost bored.

"I don't care if you're in a hurry or not! I don't like anyone near me when I sleep!" He didn't feel like calming down yet.

"Fine!" She huffed, "I'll wake you up next time! Now will you let me do these spells so I can be on my way."

He lay back down.

She began to wave her wand.

Maybe a minute went by before he became frustrated.

"How do I know you're not doing more damage!"

She stopped and lifted her gaze.

" I guess you just have to trust me! or do you wish me to quit?" She snapped

Of course not, so he was quiet.

She gave him one questioning look and then went back to her work.

For a moment they were both silent. Then she began to speak.

"I think the combinations of all the spells and curses have done damage to nearly all of your internal organs. Yesterday I stopped them from bleeding, but they are still far from healed. Also some of your ribs are broken and I think your arm too. I don't have skele-gro and I can't do spells that fix bones immediately. So I just tried to attach the broken bones to each other and make them grow a little faster so they'll grow together on their own. I'll repeat the spells I know every morning and evening and I also try to look for something more effective when I have the time. I'm also brewing you some potions to see if they'll work." She glanced him, "If you remember any of the spells they used it would be helpful."

He was silent.

She rolled her eyes, "Look, Malfoy. I know you don't want to help me, but surely you want to help yourself? So could you just please tell me what you remember!"

He didn't remember well but he didn't want to reveal to her how fast he had gone unconscious.

"No, I must have hit my head when I fell. I remember cruciatus but not much else." He finally said.

"And the wound across your chest, the one that made you bleed heavily, is from sectusempra. But that you don't have to worry I healed it first. It's only going to leave a scar." She explained.

"Great." He muttered. His skin was already scarred all around. He didn't need any more scars or he'd began to resemble Potter.

Suddenly she rose.

"Good. You should cope the day. I need to be on my way."

She went to the kitchen and brought three sandwiches to his table.

"I'll lock the doors cause I don't want you to leave without me knowing. The floo lets through no one but me. I'm gone few hours, you should cope with those." she pointed the sandwiches. "Try not to move much."

She turned and flicked her wand and one of the bookshelves turned around to reveal a small fireplace.

"What am I supposed to do here?" The words came out before he could stop them. "I can't move!"

But she had already stepped in to the floo and gone.


	4. Chapter 4

**A/N: I've gotten a few reviews! Yay! Thank you so much for leaving them. What comes to questions MemoirsofaLostCause had I'd say: patience dear, they will be answered as the story goes on. **

**I'm trying to update every week or so, 'cause I know what it is like to wait for a story to update. **

**And I still do not own anything you can recognize. **

**on we go…**

**Chapter 4 **

He was pissed to say at least. She had left him three sandwiches, and now she had been gone for seven hours.

He was not used to survive that long with few pieces of bread! This was not a few hours. This was the entire day! And she was still gone.

Where was she anyway? She hadn't said anything. Of course he couldn't expect her to tell him anything. He was here, on her mercy and she had decided to starve him! That was just great!

Fuck Granger! No, that came out wrong! As if he'd touch the bookworm. Even the thought was repulsive!

Ok, he needed to concentrate…

…when was the last time he'd touched a woman?

No, he needed to concentrate on how to get food! Not getting laid!

…He still wouldn't touch Granger, even if she was the last woman on the world.

Draco! Get a grip!

On the same moment the floo roared and she was home.

"About time!" He began immediately. "Thank you so much for the generous amounts of food you left me! But what the fuck took you so long! I'm starving here!"

She rolled her eyes. And let out a sigh.

"I'm sorry, it took longer than I expected. I should have left you more food." She said with a tired voice.

That took him by surprise. He had expected that she'd argue with him. That she'd tell him to shut it and cook his own food. But now she was walking towards the kitchen.

"What would you like to eat? Is chicken soup ok?"

He was silent. Was she asking what he wanted to eat?

"What is wrong with you!" He blurted.

"I'm not in the mood for your hostility." She said quietly and went on with her cooking.

Seriously? Who was this girl who did not want to argue with him? Definitely not Hermione Granger.

For a while they were both silent. He watched her working.

"Why don't you use your wand?"

"I'd rather do everything by myself. Keeps my mind out of things."

"Well that is just stupid! Doing everything the hard way. You should get yourself a house elf anyway! Apparently you can't clean with your wand either."

She turned to him and he could see a hint of anger in her eyes.

"If you can't get out anything but insults Malfoy, shut up! I told you already, I'm not in the mood for arguing with you…"

She didn't say 'too'. But he heard it in her tone anyway.

"Where were you the whole time anyway?"

She didn't answer.

Suddenly a frightening thought hit him. Had she been with The Order? Telling them about him perhaps? Asking their advice for what to do with an injured Death Eater who couldn't move, couldn't run and worst of all, had no wand.

"Were you with your precious Order? Asking their advice maybe? What to do with me?" His voice sounded more frightened than he would have liked. "Do they all know about me now?"

"No one knows about you."

"What?"

"I told no one!" She said louder. "Do you think for a moment, that if I had told anyone you'd still be here? Comfortably on my couch? No, if I'd tell them, you'd be in the prison, at headquarters, being interrogated of the things you know." Now she sounded angry.

"So pray tell me Granger! Why am I not there? That would be a right place for me, don't you think?" He matched her anger.

She had now forgotten her cooking and was staring at him with blazing eyes.

"Because you'd die there! And they wouldn't give a damn. They wouldn't let anyone heal you as long as you could talk. They wouldn't give you potions for pain. They wouldn't care whether you didn't kill Dumbledore or not. They wouldn't care that you were nearly killed by your own because you refused to kill in that forest the other day."

She knew? How did she know? But he didn't have time to ask, because she went on.

"This is war and they…we… are supposed to be the side of the light. But we have prisoners, who are not treated well. We have very questionable interrogating techniques. And on the battlefield we kill just as eagerly as any Death Eater…" Suddenly she went silent.

She had let out too much, he reckoned.

"You were there? In the forest." Was the only thing that he could think of asking.

She didn't say anything for a moment.

"We, me and Ginny were supposed to protect that family." She said sadly. "The Order did not believe they were important for your side, so they didn't put much to their safety."

"They were not important." He said almost to himself, "But they were an easy target. You should have known not to leave those."

She was staring him now.

"I was there, on the other side of the house when you came. I saw you walking towards the house and then I saw you hesitating. I also saw the others dragging you to the forest. I was already leaving but then I thought that this was the second time, you refused to kill someone. So I came looking for you."

He didn't know what to say.

"I might be crazy, but after all I've seen, I believe you don't deserve a faith in The Orders dungeons. Not yet at least"

"You might be wrong." Was the only thing he came up to say.

She looked at him a while with unreadable eyes.

Then she turned back to her stove. "I might."


	5. Chapter 5

**A/N: Thank you for the reviews! Makes me super exited to get them!  
As you've noticed I've kept my chapters pretty short, but they are getting longer as the story progresses. I'm still not promising anything massive. I want to keep the updates coming weekly.  
Originally I planned to write some chapters from Hermione's POV also. But writing Draco comes so naturally, I think this story will be only from Draco's POV. **

**Disclaimer: Still not mine! **

**Warnings: A bit of foul language. **

**Chapter 5**

He was lying awake thinking. Not that he wasn't tired. He felt exhausted. It must be the constant healing his body went through that made him so damn tired.

Granger had gone to bed after making him drink some potions. They had tasted hideous! She had also done some spells and just like in the morning she had explained him what she was doing.

It was a bit confusing actually. Having her telling him what she was doing. He had expected her to just treat him and ignore his complaining about how he couldn't know what she was doing to him. But she had talked in a quiet voice through every movement her wand made. And he had been so astounded he couldn't say anything.

All of a sudden her wand waving had stopped. She had told him good night and went to her room locking the door behind her.

That wasn't the part that made him think though.  
It was her outburst earlier today that made him thoughtful. She hadn't confirmed his suspicions of her having been with the order. But he wasn't that stupid. He knew that her silence meant that that was exactly where she'd been.

But the way she had talked about them and their methods. It had made him memorize the few times he had faced The Order members on the battlefield. Of course he hadn't had time to think about their behavior then. But now thinking back to it… If you called yourselves 'the side of the light' or 'good' so to say, shouldn't you avoid killing? Try to put your opponents through some kind of trial? Especially when the ways, in which, The Dark Lord kept his followers in line, were well known. Everyone was aware of the threats and his usage of Imperius. Still he had seen them shooting killing courses not caring who was behind the mask of a Death Eater.

Damn, he had seen those unwilling to fight been killed when forced on the battlefield. He had been aimed at himself, though he hadn't used Avada.

To him they had been just two sides of the war. In a war you caused death or became dead. But now, thinking of Hermione Granger he knew: She must have thought they were the better side. Above the war, making charges to those who deserve it, killing the once who deserve to be killed. She had had noble reasons to fight this war. And slowly, it seemed, she had come to recognition that 'the side of the light' was barely a side of the good.

No matter who won, someone had to suffer. What a fool of a witch she was, not recognizing that before? What black and white world she had been living in? Somewhere where the bad ones got what they asked for perhaps?

Suddenly he felt angry. He had lost the best people he had ever known. Not that you could call them downright good, but anyway.  
His mother had been killed in front of their eyes, for her betrayal. His father had done nothing to stop them. Just watched when Draco had fought and yelled and finally been hit by Cruciatus so many times he could barely move for a week.  
Then Pansy, who didn't want to fight, didn't want to go to the raids and refused to aim to kill. She had been hit by someone from The Order on her first raid. She was the kind of victim Granger would be devastated about.

After the women's deaths his two best friends Blaise and Theo had disappeared during an attack. He had had no one. That was what the Orders and the Dark Lords actions had done to him. Taken everything.

Side of the light and dark, my ass.

It had been six months after the boy's disappearance that Granger had found him from the forest.

Granger had said that she had seen him that day. Like this wasn't humiliating enough. That made him even angrier, to know she knew he was weak.

But he had been so lonely and desperate and full of this war shit! He had managed to keep it quiet for years before the Dark Lord had realized his weakness. And then he had sent him to kill that family.

But Draco was not a killer. Even if he tried to turn his mind off and do it, he couldn't move. All he could think of was that there were children. He had been taught to hate every muggle and treat them as lower breed. But even if they'd been animals, looked like animals at least, he couldn't kill a child. And by that he had sentenced himself to die.

And now he was here. He was humiliated, couldn't move, locked inside an apartment of his school time enemy, whom he had treated so badly, he still couldn't understand why she would just heal him and let him go.

No, that did not make sense. She had something else in mind and he would find out what that was.

But first he was going to sleep.

**DMHGDMHGDMHGDMHGDMHGDMHG**

"Malfoy! Wake up!"

She was shaking him. Annoying bitch!

"Wake up now!"

"Get of Granger!" He muttered

"No, you need to wake up! You're bleeding!"

Now that he was a little more conscious he could hear the panic in her voice. But he didn't feel like caring much.

"Stop fussing and let me sleep!"

It had been three days. And he was constantly tired. He woke up to eat and to go to the bathroom, but other than that he had been sleeping. He did not even know what Granger had been doing these days. But he really did not care as long as he could go back to sleep.

And now the fucking wench was shaking him again.

"Do not go back to sleep Malfoy! I need you conscious so I can figure out what is wrong with you!"

Giving in, he opened his eyes and BANG! The pain hit him like a bludger on full speed! His insides were on fire!

"Are you in pain?"

"Fuck!" Was all that came out of his mouth.

The sheets around him were red, his blanket was red. There was blood everywhere. His blood! What the hell was happening?

"I came home and found you like this!" Her panicked voice said. "I don't know what's wrong!"

"I'm dying!" He chocked looking at his hand that was dripping blood.

"No! No you are not! I forbid you! You are my patient, and I will not let you die! I refuse to! I'll sort this out."

The next thing he noticed was her ripping his shirt open.

"Oh my god" She whispered.

"What!" He attempted to look but she blocked him.

"Nonono! You shouldn't look! I-I think some of your wounds have opened again!"

"But you said that you healed them!" His protest was weak and his mind felt cloudy.

"I did!" she squeaked.

She waved her wand and muttered spells. He gritted and stared the ceiling.

After an amount of time, he was not sure how long, she stood and fetched him a glass of anti-pain potion.

"I managed to end the bleeding. But I think I need to find a stronger spell or the wounds will open up again."

He closed his eyes and let the potion kick in. He really didn't care as long as the pain would go away and he could sleep again.

"Malfoy! Did you hear me? I think you should stay awake for a while and drink this potion too." Her tone was demanding. "You lost a lot of blood, this will restore it."

Unwillingly he opened his eyes and reached for the potion she gave him.

While he drank, she picked some books from the shelf and the floor. The potion, once again, tasted hideous, like iron and rust. He made a face.

"I can't believe it." she huffed "You were nearly killed and still swallowing a potion saving you makes you gag."

He ignored her and closed his eyes again.

"Now can I sleep?"

"Yes, I think you should. I'll try to find out what kind of curse that is on your chest."


	6. Chapter 6

**Disclaimer: Still not mine. Still not making profit. **

**Chapter 6**

He was drifting for days. Sometimes Granger was there muttering spells. Sometimes she was forcing food down his throat.  
Other times it was Pansy standing next to his bed, talking softly, words he couldn't quite understand. Some of his dreams were full of spells, flashing lights, dying and bleeding. Others showed him people he used to know, faces he recognized and couldn't put names on, and also his family and friends.

Blaise was laughing loudly on the back yard of the manor and the next moment he was attacked.  
He, Draco, was lying on the ground injured. His mother was singing a lullaby.  
Granger stood on the rock with blazing eyes screaming "I refuse you to die!"

He woke up with a jolt.

Granger was by him in seconds.

"Are you awake? Thank god! I wasn't sure I got you to swallow enough of the potion."

She took her wand out and started checking him.

"I found out what made you bleed again. They've used a curse that renews itself without being cast again. I found a potion that slows the process down so I have more time to find a counter curse. You've been out for five days, and I started to get worried your insides were bleeding without me noticing it. How are you feeling?"

It was confusing really, to have her talk so much at once. How was he supposed to understand all that after just waking up?

"Like shit." He answered anyway, "But not like bleeding inside."

"No, my examination spell didn't find internal bleeding so I think you're ok for now. I'll get you some soup."

She got up and brought him soup.

**DMHGDMHGDMHGDMHGDMHGDMHG**

After that their days seamed to settle in some kind of pattern. She cast healing spells every morning and evening. He drifted in and out of sleep most of the day not having much else to do. When she was home, she usually had her nose on one of her books. Sometimes she added some spells to the originals she performed on him. Every time that happened she told him why she was doing that.

Almost every day she went somewhere and when she returned she rarely was in a good mood. He wanted to ask her where had she been, but he didn't know how to, since they weren't exactly talking much. Sometimes he thought of riling her up just to get something to do. But when he started to think of things to say to do so, he suddenly realized he had no energy for that.

It took two weeks before he couldn't take it anymore.

"Granger is your plan to kill me in boredom?" He had used his voice so little it sounded weird to speak, even to his own ears.

She lifted her gaze from the book she had been reading by the table.

"Oh, by all means Malfoy, there are books all around you, read them."

"I'm too weak to read." He said

"If you haven't noticed you have been walking to the toilet for days now, I'm sure you can read a book."

He really hadn't paid attention that he had been walking to the toilet and back to his couch. One morning he had just felt good enough and decided he could walk there. It had taken a lot at first, but now it was just so routine he didn't think much of it.

"It exhausts me to do that."

She rolled her eyes.

"Fine, but you asked for this."

She walked to one of the bookshelves and turned it around with a flick of her wand. On the other side was a black box.

"How is that going to entertain me?" He asked suspiciously.

She did something and suddenly there was a moving picture on the box.

"This is TV. It is a muggle device." She turned to look as if he'd have something to complain about that.

He was silent.

"This," she handed him a black stick with buttons, "Is a remote, you can change channels with it."

He eyed her questioningly.

"It shows different kind of programs in different channels."

He was still staring at her.

"Never mind. Just watch and see." She went back to her books.

"You expect me to find my entertainment from something muggle?"

She could not be serious.

"Well, you refused to read, so that is the only option I can give you." She sounded almost bored.

No, she couldn't make her do muggle things, he'd rather be bored.

He decided to close his eyes. But when she left again after an hour and left the TV on, he couldn't help but peak. No one was here now so no one would know he was doing something muggle. No one could charge him.

It didn't take long to be hooked. He had to admit this was a good way of spending time, even though they didn't show anything magical. But muggle cooking was a lot like potion making so he could settle watching that.

When Granger came home and found him staring at her TV she seemed amused but didn't say a word. And maybe, just maybe he had to admit, there was something good in muggle life also.

**DMHGDMHGDMHGDMHGDMHGDMHGDMHG**

Time went on. They weren't talking much. On days he watched TV or tried to read some of her books. On nights he woke up to his nightmares and sometimes his own screams. First Granger had come to check if he was ok, but after a few nights she had stopped. He was thankful for that. But he really missed someone to talk to.

Certainly he was not going to talk to Granger! That was just not an option. So the silence remained.

She was progressing with his wounds. They did not open up again, but they hurt and made him weak. She had explained that the potions he was drinking were keeping them at bay, but she needed to find a stronger spell to remove the curse permanently. He wondered how long that was going to take.

After a month the walls were closing in. He felt claustrophobic and did not know how much longer he could take this before his sanity would be gone.

And then it all changed.

She came home from the order meeting around eleven.

He was sitting lazily on the couch, watching some quite entertaining series about five young people messing around New York.

She muttered a quiet 'Hello' and he nodded in return, his eyes not leaving the screen.

A loud crash from the bathroom tore his attention from the series.

What on earth was she doing in there!?

After hesitating a moment he got up and limped to the bathroom.

Whatever he had expected to see, was not this. Her flowery perfume bottle was in pieces on the floor. The clear liquid all over the floor and the smell was intoxicating. She sat on the floor, head on her hands and her solders shaking.

Shit.

For a moment he considered turning around and leaving her be.

"Come on Granger, no use crying after a spilled smell." Was the first thing out of his mouth anyway.

He expected her to tell him to piss off.

But of course this time she didn't. She lifted her wet eyes to him and sniffed. And on an impulse he sat next to her. Not too close though so she wouldn't get any wrong ideas of him comforting her. Right after sitting he felt like he was already making a huge mistake.

Should have gone back to the couch!

They sat there in silence. She was crying and he tried not to feel like he shouldn't be here. He was a little worried about her and a little curious also. Was she crying because of what happened in the meeting, was someone hurt? Or was it something about her personal life? Was she hurt? What would happen to him if she couldn't keep him here?

"This war. It's never going to end."

Huh? she was actually going to tell him something?

"Not on us winning anyway. Their plans are barely ready when they put them in the action!"

And suddenly she was getting it all out.

She told that Neville had been badly injured in a mission which was not properly planned. Weasley had rushed it forward and she had had no time to fill them in with all the details. Death Eaters have nearly gotten their raid group and besides Neville a few others have had minor injuries. And she had gotten the blame. Especially Weasley had accused her from bad planning.

After ranting a while she became silent.

Just like that she had told him exactly where she had gone all these days and what was she doing there. She must have had a nervous breakdown to talk to him like this.

"It wasn't your fault." He said after a while.

Very slowly she turned to look at him.

Shit, Draco shut up!

"You don't even know what it was!"

"I know enough if I know Weasley was leading! If the brightest witch of her age, or at all, says the plan isn't ready, you should believe it's not ready!"

She was staring at him now with wide still red eyes.

He felt awkward, so he got up.

"Come on, this room smells so strongly my eyes are watering!"

"Hey! It was my best perfume!" She protested but followed him to the living room.

"I feel like I need a drink after all this crying and opening up!" He muttered and walked straight to her wine cupboard.

"What are you doing? You can't take my wine!" She protested but he was already pouring.

"So now that we started talking." He went back to the sofa, sitting down. "Are you making all the plans for the order?"

He was honestly pretty curious.

"I shouldn't have told you that." She said quietly.

"Yeah, but you already kind of did. And who am I going to tell? It's not like you are letting me out of here anyway."

She was eying him without touching her wine.

"Come on Granger. It seemed like you needed to talk a minute ago."

With a deep sigh she sat down by the table and took a good swing from her glass.

"Fine, it's not like you're going to be able to tell anyone."


	7. Chapter 7

**A/N: Two updates a day! Go me!  
Coming up: they are getting closer! Slowly but surely. This chapter also opens up a little what has been going on with Hermione these years. Read and Review. Kisses! **

**Disclaimer: plot is mine, everything else is borrowed. **

**Chapter 7**

Wine, what a glorious substance.

Finally he had something interesting to do after so many weeks of boredom: Asking questions from Granger.

And the wine made him feel relaxed and better than in weeks!

She was telling him about The Order and the other people she was working with every time she was gone from the house.

During these five years of war they had come to trust the planning partly on her hands. First they had been so young, that the adults of The Order hadn't let them do much. Only Potter had had a permission to work with the adults.

She told him that they had hunted horcruxes on their seventh year. He certainly remembered that.  
Who would forget the Dark Lord living in The Manor. His home. And her screams when Bellatrix had tortured her.  
Of course he would not let her know, he remembered that.

But their horcrux hunt hadn't been enough of prove to give them permission to enter as full members of The Order straight away.  
She told that they had had minor tasks for years before Kingsley Shacklebolt had approved them. And that was when the cruel reality of Order's work had been revealed to her.  
She had become the head of the planning of the raids about six months ago. She had been unwilling, but Potter and Weasley had talked her to it. Now she was being pressured all the time.

With the little help of the wine she complained how they never let her plan anything properly. Especially Weasleys wanted action. She was accused all the time of not being fast enough, proper enough, aware enough.

The Order had lost many members during these years. Speaking of them made her drown more wine and become a little teary.

"Potter is still alive?" He asked while she was swallowing tears.

"Yeah and determined to win. I think he is not completely well anymore. It has become an obsession for him. He can't think of anything more than that. We can't put him on raids or minor battles anymore because we're not sure of his sanity and his actions. Ginny says he talks a lot in his sleep too, always muttering about Voldemort."

"Why are you telling me this?" He interrupted.

Her gaze was a little hazy when she looked at him.

"You asked."

"But what if I run away and get all this information to Him?"

"I haven't told anything he wouldn't know already. Or anything that would hurt us too much."

"But you've told about their weaknesses."

"It's not like I'll let you walk away freely with everything I told you anyway."

Suddenly she looked a little angry.

"What are you going to do?" He challenged.

"You'll see when the time comes." She stood up. "Don't underestimate me Malfoy. I have this all planned through."

She just poured more wine and sat back down.

All planned… that reminded him, that he still didn't know her whole plan for keeping him here. That made him a little nervous.

"What about your healing practices?" he suddenly remembered. She had said something about those on his first night here.

"I help the healers when I have time. Trying to absorb as much information as I can."

"Should have known…" He muttered.

"I think it is your turn to tell me about your life before I found you from the forest."

"Nothing to tell…"

He certainly was not going to start opening his past life to Granger.

"What happened to your friends? To other Slytherins?"

He huffed.

"Are they alive?" She was pushing.

He didn't want to talk about them. He felt like if he was going to tell Granger it all would become too real.

"Do you think they worry about you? Wonder where you are, maybe?"

It was enough.

"I wouldn't know!" He suddenly burst out. "Your Order took them all away from me! Order and the Dark Lord together. How are my fellow Slytherins you want to know? They're dead! Dead and gone. Pansy's dead, Greg is dead, Vince is dead, Theo's missing, Blaise's missing. Astoria's alive, but not well" It all came out and he couldn't stop it.

He felt like crying. But no, he was not going to cry in front of Granger. All this information was already too much. He'd rather die.  
Damn wine, it made him so emotional! He was supposed to be unaffected, make her talk and just listen, not break down like this.

She was observing him now. He tried to look away.

"You got what you wanted?" He asked angrily.

"Don't be so hostile Draco. We've all lost loved ones. There's nothing wrong with being sad and angry."

Everything stopped. The silence that fell upon them was heavy. He was staring at her and she was looking back questioningly.

Draco, she had said. Not Malfoy, and suddenly that made all the difference in the world. His name flowing from her lips, like they were… not friends, but not enemies they used to be either.

The moment was gone as soon as it had started.

"So what about Weasley?" He asked to break the silence.

"What about him?"

"Weren't you two supposed to be lovers or something? Why are you living here on your own, and not with your boy-toys at the headquarters?" Suddenly he remembered that he had wanted to ask this ever since he got here. Her living arrangement seemed even stranger now that it was clear her friends were living together somewhere.

It seemed she was more aware of his first question: "Ron and I? No, it didn't work out."

"Didn't?"

"Oh, I don't know why I'm telling you this!" She cried out frustrated, but went on anyway, thank god for the wine, "I mean I thought I liked him more than as a friend for a while."

"You thought?"

Her choose of words was really confusing.

"Well yes, but it turned out that I thought wrong."

"Well how surprising! Thinking of how intelligent he always was, and so on."

"Shut up! He's a good guy… or was back then at least. But he was impulsive, and controlling, and jealous. He didn't want me to participate in anything but cooking. I mean of course, the model of woman he had had from home was…well motherly. But he wanted me to be Molly for him. And that is just not me! I mean we're in war, and I was 19 years old, I couldn't even think of having children to this world. But he wanted that. He pressured me to it. He wanted to put me somewhere where I could be safe and have his children. He didn't want me to have any part in this war."

He had not been prepared to all this and her answer made him uncomfortable. But it really sounded like Granger had picked friends who didn't know her at all. Even he could have said that Granger was no housewife.

"And then we started to go to more raids and battles. And I noticed there was something in him I didn't recognize…something dark." She stared ahead with unblinking eyes. "He aimed to kill. He cast the killing course like it was Stupefy, not caring who it was he was aiming. And he started to brag about his kills, counting them, like he was some kind of a hero. He killed, and I saw he liked it. It made him feel power. And this new version of him frightened me. That was not the Ron I knew."

When she looked at him her eyes were wet.

"I could not live with what he had done…" She said quietly "…What he is still doing. I'm still not completely sure he understands I'm not going back to him. Sometimes he talks about our family… like that reality would be possible."

She turned to look out of the window. And suddenly in all her sorrow, to him she looked beautiful.

"I don't live with them in the headquarters because they all frighten me. This war has changed everyone. We are not the children we were five years ago. I'm not sure who we are anymore. And it terrifies me to think of what we will be if we ever survive this war."

Finally he had no words for her. He felt like falling. If this was what the war had done to The Golden Trio, what chance did the rest of the world have?

Damn wine, damn him, why did he have to start this conversation at all?

They were staring at each other now, silence hanging around them. After what felt like ages she laughed without humor.

"Look at us! Here we are, a mudblood, who is afraid of her friends, trying to save a Death Eater! How twisted is that!"

"Maybe war has just changed our roles" He pointed quietly.

"So you are not a Death Eater and I'm no mudblood?" He could hear the alcohol in her voice now.

"No, you told me the day you brought me here. I'm a patient and I'm not allowed to call you mudblood."

At that she smiled. And that smile (and maybe the wine too) made him think that he had never seen Hermione Granger, his former enemy, more beautiful.

No, bad Draco! Dangerous, very very dangerous thoughts!


End file.
